Men With No Friends: What a Brotherhood Does for a Man Over 40
Ask a man in his 40s to name a friend he could call tonight and watch how long it takes him. Nicky Billou says the average American man has zero. He runs a men's group called Sovereign Man and he lays out what changes once a man stops carrying it all alone.
Men over 40 need a brotherhood because a man on his own runs out of honest input. Nicky Billou has run a men's group called Sovereign Man since February 2018 and his answer on episode 135 is that no man works it out alone. He learned it the hard way through a divorce he did not see coming. Listen to Episode 135 for the full conversation.
What Brotherhood Means Here
Brotherhood here means a standing group of men who meet on a schedule and speak to each other directly. Men bring real problems into the room and other men hold them to what they said they would do.
How Nicky Billou Ended Up in Men's Work
Nicky was married with two kids and thought the marriage was good. His wife decided it was over. He calls what followed a negative spiral and says he blamed everybody but himself.
A woman he trusted told him to go work with a man named Owen Williams. Owen ran a men's group and also worked with men in relationship distress. Nicky signed up and started one on one work at the same time.
He stayed in Owen's group for a year and three quarters. He says those men were there to sharpen him rather than coddle him. He then joined a second group run by volunteers. The men in that room were less emotional and more determined to stop him from believing his own excuses. He stayed with them for more than three years.
The Weekend That Ended a Two Year Divorce
A few years into this work Nicky went to a weekend retreat his group ran with several other groups. One man there rubbed him the wrong way. Nicky got up ready to punch him and several men grabbed him.
While they held him the same man asked when he planned to stop blaming his ex and start taking responsibility. He also asked when Nicky would take the first step to healing.
Nicky says his anger drained out of him. He ended up on the floor crying for five or ten minutes. Then he said out loud that he was done blaming her and done blaming himself.
The group collected every phone at the door and handed them back at the break. Nicky turned his on and a call was already ringing through. It was his ex wife and they had not spoken in over a year.
She apologized and told him she had been trying to punish him. She said he was a good man and did not deserve it. Then she said she would sign the divorce papers. Those papers had sat in limbo for two years with everything else already agreed to. She signed them and the divorce went through.
A Man in Pain Needs Other Men
Nicky puts his lesson in one line. A man in pain can only have his pain removed by other men. He grew up believing a man takes his trouble to a woman and gets comforted through it. That stopped working the year his marriage ended.
His message to the men listening was blunt. You need other men and you are not going to figure it out alone. He says no man is smart enough or strong enough to do it by himself and that this is no knock on anyone.
Most Men Have No One to Call
Nicky says the average American man today has zero friends. He calls it a statistical fact rather than an opinion.
Coach Brian counted his own out loud. Dan has been a friend since middle school and comes to Brian's barn to lift weights. Brian had already seen him three times that week. Chris is another father of four who trains in the same barn. Andy runs with Brian when their summers allow it. Leo is a longtime high school friend. After those four Brian named acquaintances and nothing closer.
Nicky did not let that pass. He told Brian four peers is better than nothing and still short of what a man needs. A direct peer has not lived through what you have not lived through yet. Older men who care about you carry the experience you are missing.
Brian named a second gap. His dad has not been an active part of his life for over twenty years. When something breaks at the house he searches YouTube instead of calling his father or his grandfather.
Nicky is 58 and has the same setup he recommends. He calls Steve Richmond when he runs into trouble and speaks with him a couple of times a week. He calls Jefferson Banks to learn how to keep his cool. Every man in Sovereign Man is there for that same reason.
How to Tell If You Are the Isolated One
Nicky gave a plain list of what this looks like from the outside.
- No close friends. Acquaintances and coworkers do not count.
- Friday nights spent alone.
- Dating with nobody serious in the picture.
- Married with kids and still no men in his life beyond family and work.
- No one he can call to grab a bite or catch a game.
His test takes a minute. Can you call a man right now and say let's go grab a bite and talk?
What Happens Inside a Men's Group
Nicky started Sovereign Man in February 2018 with one other man who runs a multimillion dollar company. They opened with eight to ten men and the first four years ran up and down.
Men kept coming and going. Nicky traced it to weak standards. They raised the standards and added structure and retention improved. Membership has run as low as 11 men and as high as 29. It sits at 25 today and has held near that number for about a year.
Meetings open with a check in. One man runs it and every man rates himself from one to ten. Most check in at an eight or nine or ten. After check in the group brings content on relationships or fatherhood or making money.
When a man checks in at a five the group stops and asks why. Sometimes he is sick and needs to go to bed. Sometimes his marriage is coming apart or his fifteen year old is in real trouble. That throws the agenda out and the whole meeting goes to him. Nicky says men leave knowing they are not on their own and some leave with a resource that solves the problem in front of them.
New men are startled by how direct the room is. Nicky describes modern communication as indirect and his group runs the other way. Some men find it too much and leave after one meeting. He says the group is not for everybody.
What Changed for Two of His Men
Nicky shared two results from inside his own group.
One man joined while broke and on unemployment. Within three months he was working and solvent. Within a year he had a full time job and a part time business and was earning over six figures. Nicky points out that this was never a business group and nobody coached him on business.
The second man was a clerk at a grocery store owned by his brother in law. Six months in he got his mortgage license. Three months after that he quit the store. He now runs a multimillion dollar company.
Nicky's read on both men is the same. Men in a room take what you say seriously and then push you to act on it.
Why Health Belongs in This Conversation
Nicky was direct about the body. A man who lets his health go sets a bad example for his children. He also shortens his own life and loses the ability to do what he wants to do.
His test for physical capability is one question. If somebody got hurt in front of you, could you pick him up in a fireman's carry and get him to safety?
He tells a man who has not taken care of his health to ask himself why not and to treat whatever answer comes back as an excuse. Then ask whether you want to die young. If the answer is no, hire a coach and get to work.
Nicky follows his own advice. He hired a coach in February 2023 and dropped 58 pounds. A year later he competed in a bodybuilding show. He is now two years into prep for a pro card and can start competing for it at 60. The earliest he gets it is sometime in 2028.
He is eating to add muscle right now and he hates it. He does weekly check ins and his coach makes tweaks around the edges of the plan.
Nicky sent a friend to that same coach. The coach fired the friend after a month for not doing the work. Working with a top coach means doing what the coach tells you.
This Runs on Years
Brian brought up episode 133 with Jeremie Bacon, who plans his life in five year blocks. Nicky's pro card runs on the same clock. Two years of prep are already behind him and at least another year and a half sits ahead of him.
Generic fitness advice written for young guys gets this part wrong. A man does not open a magazine and run the workout on that page and arrive contest ready. Building a physique that places in a competition takes years of planning and delayed gratification.
Nicky was also honest about the weeks that go sideways. A stressful business project cost him sleep. The lost sleep left him open to a stomach bug going around and he picked up an infection on top of it. He saw a doctor and got more sleep and canceled a stack of meetings. He knew to do all of that because he asked the men in his community and his own coach first.
Common Mistakes Men Make Here
Counting acquaintances as friends. Brian named four real friends and then a list of acquaintances. Nicky's point is that the second list does nothing for you when something goes wrong.
Building a circle out of peers only. Four men your own age with your own background hand you four versions of what you already know. Nicky calls that the blind leading the blind.
Waiting for a better week. Brian had two men join with travel booked inside their first week. He told them the food question follows them onto the plane either way.
Joining and not attending. Nicky says a man who does not come to meetings will not last. Attendance is the floor.
Who This Is For and Who It Is Not For
This is for a man in his 40s or 50s with a family and a job and no men in his life beyond those two things. He carries real weight at work and has nowhere to set it down. He wants direct feedback more than he wants sympathy.
This is not for a man who wants a room that agrees with him. Nicky's group speaks to the point of bluntness and some men walk after one meeting.
Three Things to Do This Week
Nicky closed the episode with three pieces of advice.
- Find a group of men. He suggests looking locally first and says a Bible based group is a good starting point for a Christian man. Sovereign Man meets on Zoom at sovereignman.ca and the first meeting is free.
- Put your phone in another room for at least two hours a day. Read or pray or talk to a human being in that time.
- Take care of your health and fitness. Nicky told the men listening to call Coach Brian and get moving on it.
Listen to Episode 135
Listen to Episode 135 of Driven For Health with Nicky Billou. Nicky also hosts the Sovereign Man Podcast.
Cross-episode links
- Episode 16: Men Don't Have To Go It Alone, How To Break Isolation & Build Real Community
- Episode 53: 38 lbs Lost In 100 Day Challenge
- Episode 133: 240 Pounds Forced Him To Rethink Work, Family and Health with Jeremie Bacon
Call to Action
Nicky's third piece of advice was health. The fastest starting point is the free Lose 3 lbs in 3 Days reset at thecalltorise.com/lose3lbsin3days. It hands you a short plan you can run this week.
When you want men around you while you do the work, The Call To Rise is Coach Brian's 100 day program for driven men who want to lose 20 or more pounds and get their body up to the level their career is already at. It includes an individualized meal plan, an individualized training plan, weekly round table calls with the group, 1:1 calls with Brian, and a client site with every resource in one place. The guarantee is one sentence. Lose 20 or more pounds in the 100 days, or Brian keeps working with you until you do. Apply at thecalltorise.com.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do men over 40 need a brotherhood?
A man on his own runs out of honest input. Nicky Billou says no man is smart enough or strong enough to work life out alone. A standing group of men gives him feedback he cannot get from his family or his coworkers.
How many friends does the average man have?
Nicky Billou says on episode 135 that the average American man today has zero friends. He states it as a fact rather than an opinion. Coach Brian counted four real friends of his own and then a list of acquaintances.
What is Sovereign Man?
Sovereign Man is the men's group Nicky Billou started in February 2018 with one other man. It opened with eight to ten men and sits at 25 today. Meetings run on Zoom and a new man can attend his first one free at sovereignman.ca.
How do I know if I am isolated as a man?
Nicky Billou's markers are plain. You have no close friends beyond acquaintances. You spend Friday nights alone. You may be married with kids and still have no men in your life. You cannot call anyone to grab a bite and talk.
What happens at a men's group meeting?
Meetings open with a check in where each man rates himself from one to ten. The group then brings content on relationships or fatherhood or making money. When a man checks in low the group stops and works through what is going on with him.
How do I find a men's group near me?
Nicky Billou suggests starting local. A Bible based group is a good first stop for a Christian man. His own group Sovereign Man meets on Zoom and lets a new man attend one meeting free at sovereignman.ca.
How much weight did Nicky Billou lose?
Nicky hired a coach in February 2023 and dropped 58 pounds. He competed in a bodybuilding show a year later. He is now two years into prep for a pro card and can start competing for it at 60.
What is The Call To Rise?
The Call To Rise is Coach Brian Parana's 100 day program for driven men who want to lose 20 or more pounds and get their body up to the level their career is already at. It includes an individualized meal plan, an individualized training plan, weekly round table calls, 1:1 calls with Brian, and a client site with every resource in one place. The guarantee is that you lose 20 or more pounds in the 100 days, or Brian keeps working with you until you do.
