What Saying I Am Fine Costs a Man Over 40
A man who is 20 pounds over where he wants to be is carrying more than weight. On episode 73 of Driven For Health, Coach Brian Parana and guest Andy Grant work through what sits underneath it. Andy has hosted a show for men for over 10 years and he is direct about what men hide.
Andy Grant has hosted the Real Men Feel podcast for over 10 years. He says the biggest mask men wear is the one that says everything is handled. Episode 73 covers what that mask costs a man over 40 and what has to come off first.
The one thing most men will not say out loud
Coach Brian opened episode 73 with a single question for his guest. What are most men dealing with that they will not admit out loud?
Andy Grant is the founder and host of Real Men Feel. He is a men's coach and a peer of Coach Brian's rather than a client, and he has never been through a Driven For Health program. His answer came fast.
"There's not one main thing they're in denial about. It's that the mask that everything's fine. Don't ask me. Don't ask me to go deeper."
Then he named where the habit starts. "We've all been taught that to ask for help is to show weakness."
Brian put himself in the same category on the recording. His default answer is that he is fine. The honest version comes out around the four men in his close circle, two of them friends since high school and two of them men he trains with every week.
What the piano is for
Brian brought up a piano early in the conversation. He had heard a speaker describe the human voice as a full keyboard from the lowest note to the highest. Emotions run the same range.
Andy Grant took the image further. "For so many guys the cover is on the piano keys. They're just hitting wood."
In his experience one emotion still gets through. "Anger is common and everything else is hidden. Shame, guilt." He said he has met men who felt something close to overflow at a wedding or at the birth of a child and then pulled themselves back in because the size of it was uncomfortable.
He also drew a line under a word men over 40 hear a lot. His view is that the popular reading of stoicism has been bent out of shape.
"Controlling your emotions doesn't mean denying them. It means I feel grief right now, but I can't just start bawling in this meeting. I will wait."
What he sees instead is avoidance. "I see most men numbing and distracting to not feel any of that stuff."
When a man is only one role
Andy Grant said midlife trouble is usually triggered by a loss. A job ends. A marriage ends. The identity a man built on that one thing goes out the window with it.
"No man is only his job. No father is only a father."
He was direct about his own history. In his younger years he did not think he had depression. "I thought I was depression." He said he was suicidal for a long stretch of his life and made repeated attempts to end it. That became his default thought in the face of any setback. He named losing a job and getting a flat tire in the same breath, and he said it had to get that ridiculous before he could see it was ridiculous.
What moved for him was the belief underneath. "For a long time, I just believed I was broken, hopeless, helpless." He said he had to unclench and let go of who he thought he was, and that any identity held tightly enough will keep a man from growing.
Help is available in the US through the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988, any time. Coach Brian is a health coach and not a clinician. This episode is a conversation between two men about their own lives rather than treatment advice.
What the extra weight is carrying
This is where the conversation met Brian's own work. His read on a man who is 20 pounds over where he wants to be is blunt.
"If someone's 20 pounds overweight, they're wearing their feelings. They're wearing their stress."
Brian used an engine to describe what builds up first. Not enough oil creates friction. Friction seizes the engine. The repair after that is expensive and complicated, and he said the same buildup shows in a man as 30 extra pounds and chronic illness and a marriage under pressure.
He put his own life in the same frame. He identifies as an athlete and as a leader in this space and as a father and husband. He also said he leans on the provider role harder than the rest, and that any hour not spent at a kid's event tends to get filled with another email or another post.
Andy Grant answered that with a wider definition of the job.
"You are providing when you tell your wife that you love her. You're not providing just money and food. You're providing stability."
Then he made the point that lands squarely on a health podcast. "Me taking care of myself is an act of service to everybody I'm around."
One change moves the rest
Andy Grant's line on this was short. "If you truly transform one aspect of your life, it ripples through every other aspect of your life."
Brian had two examples ready from his own coaching. A client last year lost 50 pounds and then left upstate New York for Myrtle Beach to be closer to a grandchild, walking away from a career of more than 15 years to do it. Another man lost over 100 pounds while his wife lost 40. That is 150 pounds between them across roughly 18 months. He left his job and went out on his own after it.
Andy Grant's framing for the man who says he has no choice is worth sitting with.
"No, I choose to stay at this job I don't like because it paid me a lot. Big difference from like, I can't leave."
What to do this week
Andy Grant closed with two moves and neither one costs anything.
The first is a conversation with yourself. Sit with the thing that is off long enough to name it. "We all know when something's wrong, but we don't know what it is unless we're willing to sit with it." He suggested starting with the body and asking where it feels tight.
The second is a question for another man, and the whole weight of it sits on one extra word.
"So it's not, how are you fine? No, how are you really?"
He said to give the pause after it. Do not let a friend grunt and walk past. Let him know you are a safe place to say what is going on.
He named where he sends men. The Mankind Project runs an initiation weekend called the New Warrior Training Adventure, which he took 10 years ago and has staffed since. His own men's community is Authentic AF and it is free to join at realmenfeel.org/group. His podcast is Real Men Feel, which sat at 392 published episodes when this conversation was recorded.
His last word to the listener was one line. "I want every man to know and hear and receive, you are worthy."
Where Coach Brian comes in
Brian's work sits on the physical side of the same problem. A man carrying 30 extra pounds and dealing with chronic illness has a load that shows in his sleep and his energy and his patience at home. The 100 days start with who a man decides to become, then the food and the training and the accountability get built around that man.
The Call To Rise is a 100-day Fat Loss Challenge designed for driven men ready to get back to a healthy body, boost their energy, and lead as a powerful man.
If you are struggling with some form of chronic illness such as high blood pressure, cholesterol or even Type 2 Diabetes - this program is designed for you too.
Through a proven system of strength training, personalized nutrition, and real accountability, most men lose 20 plus pounds and rebuild the confidence that comes with it and even improve chronic illness issues. It's more than a fitness program, it's a body transformation experience with a Brotherhood of like-minded men committed to showing up, leveling up, and leading in a body they are excited about.
This is your wake-up call to rise.
www.thecalltorise.com
If you want a smaller first step than the full 100 days, the free Lose 3 lbs in 3 Days reset is at thecalltorise.com/lose3lbsin3days.
Frequently Asked Questions
Who is Andy Grant?
Andy Grant is the founder and host of the Real Men Feel podcast, which he has run for over 10 years. He is a men's coach and energy healer and a guest on episode 73 of Driven For Health, not a coaching client of Coach Brian's.
What does it mean when a man says he is fine?
Andy Grant says the biggest mask men wear is that they have it all figured out. On episode 73 he describes that mask as a signal telling everyone around him not to go deeper.
Why do men avoid asking for help?
Andy Grant traces it to a lesson most men absorb early, that asking for help is a way of showing weakness. He says recognizing something is off has to come before the ask, and that telling the world you are fine cuts off the support that is already there.
What emotion do most men allow themselves?
Anger is the one that usually gets through according to Andy Grant. Shame and guilt stay hidden behind it, and he compares the rest of a man's range to piano keys with the cover still down.
What is Authentic AF?
Authentic AF is Andy Grant's men's community, a closed space for check-in circles and monthly group meditations. It is free to join at realmenfeel.org/group.
What is the Mankind Project?
The Mankind Project runs an initiation weekend called the New Warrior Training Adventure. Andy Grant took it 10 years ago, has staffed it since, and recommends it to the men he works with one to one.
How do you check on a man who might be hiding something?
Andy Grant's version of the question is "So it's not, how are you fine? No, how are you really?" He says to give the pause after it and let the man know you are a safe place to say what is going on.
What is the Call To Rise program?
The Call To Rise is a 100-day fat loss challenge for driven men built on strength training, personalized nutrition, and real accountability. Most men lose 20 plus pounds and rebuild the confidence that comes with it.
